posted a new piece on DA today instead of working on stuff from/for class (which i need to present for wednesday). i honestly didn't think it would take me 2 days to finish something that was supposedly simple.. but honestly it still lacks some UMPH that my drawings used to have, in color and in design/flow.

hopefully i can finish what i need to tomorrow.

sigh..the more i think about school and the future.... i guess specifically about work... i get so confused and melancholic.

i need to apply for graduation in the next 2 months and for me to graduate i need to meet up with the head of the illustration deptartment and have him look over my portfolio..

but i don't have a portfolio. i hate everything i've done... how can i even pretend to him or clients that i'm qualified for anything at all? all i can think of his disapproving frown, his torrent of never-ending words (like tin roof being assaulted by hail and rain), his ridcule and attempts at humor and mockery/immitation of anything with a stereotype. I still can't figure out why my classmates and teachers alike really like this man... when i had his class it was like having a lump in my heart and i just wanted out for a breath of fresh air. sure, the man can draw, i give him that. perhaps he could teach well as well, but i couldn't get past being ashamed of my own drawing abilities (or more percisely, the lack thereof) whenever he'd come around or when i looked at my classmates' drawings of the same subjects.

"and what do you plan to do after you graduate?" he'll ask,
i'll reply "go to grad school."
"well what do you want to DO?"
and i won't be able to answer him. because i don't know.

i don't want to know.


or perhaps i do.. but i'm scared of hearing what it may be.

one teacher had called my stuff "gimmick-y, REAL artists will be able to see right through this..."

gimmick-y huh? i guess i am a fraud. i've hurt my spine for working like a horse for 2 years to become a gimmcky fraud... of course...

i'll never impress these people, i'll never make them happy or proud with me being their student.

i'll just be some petty fraud excuse for an illustrator...

of course...



i wish i had the strength to tell this to my parents... of my fears...

but it would just reaffirm their beliefs that i really just shouldn't draw or try to be an illustator.

so i smile, tell them nothing, and try to go about my day. as i do with everyone else in real life.

drawings under the cut:

( drawings/sketches )

i think it's well past time for me to start up this journal again, since, at least, semi-fail sketches are abundant and filling up my room and thoughts i can't seem to let escape from my mouth are filling up my head.

it's well past time i should start acting more professionly and get to drawing more things that i can present with a scrap of pride....

but also a part of me just wants to rip up everything into a million little colorful pieces of confetti and just sit in a dark corner...

i really wish my blood would stop pumping so painfully through my head and neck...part of me is glad i can stretch more of my spine now... but i can't get rid of the disgusting tingling feel and static-y sound as my spine stretches behind my throat, past my chest, and down my lower back.

it's like life kicked me in the shins when things were finally starting to be more free and exciting at school. now i'm just more depressed and frustrated than ever. i'm not sure if i can or should draw anymore. it used to make me happy, it still makes me happy when it makes others happy... but admittedly i don't get that much (if at all) at school. my salvation right now is my teacher for 2 semesters: mr. bill sanchez. he's the only one of my recent teachers who seems to be excited when i'm drawing, and he lifts my spirit when he assures me i'm on the right track to getting every little thing right.


i'll get to posting some sketches tomorrow after i scan in things tonight.

friends,

it seems my cell phone is lost and no attempt has been made to return it,

rather,

it seems that someone is making prank calls in the middle of the night to people on my list of contacts.

so, if anyone gets a call my cell number, i'm truely sorry. please ignore it.

also, once this gets resolved, can you guys e-mail me with your numbers?

sorry. i've sketched some. but my confidence is slipping.

from this past week:





it's raining now too... but not orange juice...

and a work in progress from a sketch i started last night:



naomi out!

character diagram... i've been drawing alot of them lately...
but i guess that's the fun part... getting to create people and what they look like, think about what they are like and what they do, how they'd react to certain actions or thoughts...
the power of being god-like in that way is a little bit scary.

From a few days ago:
i just remember having the tv on in the background as i was typing away at a paper when i heard crying and "he's safe! he's home! (i was so worried, i was so afraid)"



from this morning:
i wanted to color something just very cleanly and simply.

seems my favorite anime of all time (I grew up watching this series <3) has followed the anime to TV drama trend as of late:



i am SO hunting down the series for christmas.

just wanted to share that. :D

so i just looked through my e-mail not 10 minutes ago... and it seems i have some possible work/client.

but.... since i usually have the price set up for me and i'm usually the one that gives the thumbs up or thumbs down... i'm a little uncertain about setting my own price.

any suggestions for price guidelines?

the job is to design a company christmas card.

i've been listening to the daft punk "discovery" CD these past few hours. good stuff.

today definately felt like autumn. strong winds, falling orange and red and brown and yellow leaves, a slight chill but with lots of warm sun shining down. a little bit of autumn even snuck into the classrooms when the wind gust leaves across the floor when others opened the doors.

getting ready for halloween.

perhaps one or two might remember the post i made on my DA journal months back which featured this: http://www.badacetechshow.com/video/multitouchreel.mpg

now i present to you new developments:


and

*sigh*

i think i'm being overly ambitious.

as promised, more JTAF drawings... i got a few more lying around but only half done or still in pencil or mid-inking. hopefully i can get a few more drawings done tonight so i can spend the day coloring tomorrow during the convention.

i'm back. and i'm busy as a bee.

going to JTAF in San Fran on the 16th-17th. will be selling traditional media original art stuffs as well as prints. hope to see you there.

also, i might be attending the convention in hayward in october. i still have to check my exam schedule for that one.

sample:



i will upload the rest a bit at a time.

i'm sorry. i haven't been enticed to pick up a pencil with the intent to draw for these past few weeks.

i'm just too jumbled up inside.

i will be leaving the country next week for a few months for personal reasons.

i will not have access to my computer, scanner, photoshop cs2 or my tablet.

see you guys in september... maybe.

until then, i leave you with this (skip the opening song... it's a bit squeally-annoying):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y9lxFAGCgk

if i bring back presents you will NOT be featured! lol. XD

doodle~



since i haven't paid my phone bill for a few months my room phone got cut off last week. cell phone usage now.

i acquired a second desk today from storage so i finally have a space to draw and study and store things. i'm planning on stealing a book shelf or two tomorrow from the maintence closet.

what does that all mean? i put away my sketches and other things helter skelter so i'm not able to post everything tonight ("where'd they go?!") but as promised, here are the sketches i could find.

but before that, might as well show the deviation i'm working on now: (you've seen the sketch before... look down)



still gotta do the background before i can post that one on DA and mark it "finished!" for the book.

sketches:

mwhahaha. tyrany.


for the "summer" themed BAAU illustration friday (uhwaaa... i'm catching up~! just got to scan 'em all in! *panicrush*)



something i'm working on for the SAC anime convention competition.


a sketch on my price guide at Fanime.



intertube~!


something i'm debating about developing. maybe for BAAU illustrated? hn.....